dreaming out loud. . .

Saturday, June 28, 2008

leaving, and letting go

you left me hanging on the thread we once swung from together..
i lick my wounds but i can never see them getting better..
something's gotta change.
things cannot stay the same.

my dad didn't want us to keep Kuala anymore.
:(

so saaaad.
he was beginning to recognise his name.
and beginning to listen when i scolded him for biting too hard.
for jumping on me when i sleep. (i woke up at 2 or 3 in the morning cos he was feeling lonely. awwwwh.)
for chasing our feet whenever we walk past him.

he's soooo adorable and playful !
he relieves my stress everytime i come home.

and most of the time i find him sleeping on my bed.
like it's HIS bed. lol.

i was sleeping the other day but woke up at 2 or 3 (cos i was thinking of that person. bleargh.) and when i opened my bedroom door, Kuala came running in. scare me. i thought some huge roach sey. so i went to the toilet. he followed me. so i thought he wanted to do his 'business'. so i asked him to use first. but he just sat there at the toilet door. after awhile, i went in. after i was done, he was still sitting at the door.

so i waited again for him to use the toilet. but he didn't. feeling oh so sleepy, i went back to my room, and he followed me. and jumped on my bed, before i could reach it. haha.

and he slept with me. i was actually facing the other way, my back against him. so he climbed over (like i'm some kind of a bridge.) and laid in front of me and slept.

GOSH. adorable kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. :)

and when he sleeps, NOTHING can wake him up.
even when you knock on his head.
even when you push him aside with your butt.
even when you carry him and place him somewhere else.

well, except if you make a startling sound. that would make him jump. hehe.

yea, i looked forward to going home to play with him.
and i'm always almost late or just in time for work this past week cos i played with him instead of getting dressed and getting ready for work heh.

sighs.
i'm gonna miss you Kuala ! or Kuali (as my sister calls him. haha.)

look at those eyes !

on my bolster. like HIS bolster.

HIS bed.

two of a kind. :)

another one of his favourite spots: infront of the comp.

again, on his bed. hah.

and my favourite photo of all time !!

AWWWWWWWWWH.

Friday, June 27, 2008

the last goodbye ?

indecisiveness.

is something i don't want in a guy.

so..

back me down from backing up.
hold your breath now it's stacking up.
etched with marks, but I can deal..
and you're the problem and you can't feel.
try this on, straitjacket feeling..
so maybe I won't be alone.
take back now, my life you're stealing..

yesterday was hell,
but today I'm fine without you.
run away this time without you.
and all I ever thought you'd be..
that face is tearing holes in me again.

trust you is just one defense,
off a list of others, you don't make sense,
beg me time and time again,
to take you back now, but you can't win.
take back now, my life you're stealing.

yesterday was hell,
but today I'm fine without you.
run away this time without you.
and all I ever thought you'd be..
that face is tearing holes in me again.

and when that memory slips away..
there'll be a better view from here.
and only lonesome you remains.
but just the thought of you I fear
it falls away..

and all the things you put me through..
i'm holding on by letting go of you.

straightjacket feeling,
by the all-american rejects.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

second chances ??

i can't bear to see you sad. :(

Sunday, June 22, 2008

be kind, for once

talk is indeed CHEAP.

YOU..
all talk, no action !

did i ever do anything that was this cruel to you ?

Saturday, June 21, 2008

it's a boy !

there's a new addition to the family !!

no. my mum didn't give birth, silly !

we 'adopted' a cat ! :)

his name's..

guess.

no.

guess somore.

no lor.

his name is..

KUALA.

i know ! of all the names in the world !

my lil sister gave him that name. oh well.

my previous cat was called Dody. not named after that Dodi Al-Fayet or whatever his name was.

my previous cat was black ! people weren't really welcoming her except for immediate family members due to 'superstitions' crap. what the hell. she was still part of our family lor. dengs.

and Kuala is orangey-white in colour ! :)

yes i have tons of his photos ! but i'm currently not using the other computer so i can't really resize and stuffs.

will do next time kay ~

he's so small and adorable ! :)

yep. takes my mind off things.

take my mind off him.

someone once told me:

to fall in love is a CHANCE.
to stay in love is a CHOICE.
and to break up is a DECISION.

so was it a good decision ?

i dunno.

i dunno what he wants now.

and i dunno what to believe anymore.

but i do. miss. you. too.

just go

why now ?

where were you when i was depressed over our break up ?

i shouldn't care about you anymore. i should let you have a taste of what i tasted. the disgusting taste of rejection. i should make you cry now. make you more depressed than me. then i would finally have my revenge.

i should do that.

but i'm not that kind of person. i don't hold grudges. i forgive but it takes time to forget. and now that i'm trying very hard to forget you.. you came back. saying that there's just something missing in your life right now.

isit me ? you didn't say.

but i know. i know it's me.

but i don't want to get hurt again. it was just too painful. oh so very painful. and never am i going to through that again.

i'm building up my 'damaged' fences again. and i'm starting to build back the bridges between me and men.

but yet.. i want to be there for you. when you're down and depressed. i want to make you feel better.

i still care for you, when i'm not even sure you still care for me. i wasn't even sure you sincerely cared for me THEN. what more NOW ?

i should sing this Jesse McCartney's song to you:

just go !
i gave you my word,
and i promised to love you.
go ! it's over !
you had your chance !

just go !
there's nothing inside me;
that still feels connected to you.
to me,
you're already gone !

but i can't. i just can't.

oh Allah. please.. help me.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

look at the stars.. look how they shine for..... you

it was one of the best nights of our lives. well, some of my BFFs lives. it was okay for me.

had our first 'tenting' at Pasir Ris last Saturday-Sunday and boy, did we have a lot of fun ! talking, LAUGHING and of cos EATING LA ! eh, Imran. ikan pari kau SEDAP la LOL.

Mus' boy(space)friend came and he was alot of fun ! and sweet and understanding. :) Mus would be lucky to have him. and of cos no doubt in my mind that he'd be doubly, triply and infinitely lucky to have HER ! :D hehe. oh and he brought along his brother as well. funny la these two ! LOL.

we invited the secondary school boys along since we were already 'hiring' Imran for the BBQ. no choice la kaaaan. LOL ! kidding !

and yea, most of them turn up. except for Mr N whom i really wanted to see. don't ask me why. i think it's rebound or something. or that i missed him dearly after breaking up with Mr S and suddenly calling him and talked to him a few nights before the BBQ. when we actually lost contact for like what ? almost a year ? he sounded so different. in a good way, of course. i guess the girl he met changed him. which i felt jealous for awhile. cos i wanna be able to change someone.. you know ? so yea, he changed. for her. and yea. i'm happy for him now cos it's been like i think.. 7 years since he's been with someone ? which was me. hah. and people have been saying that he was still 'waiting' for me. though not in an obvious way. hmm.. right. well, it's alright. what happened, happened. it's all in Allah's hands yea ?

okaaaaaay back to the BBQ.. heh.

Lut's sweet boyfriend came along and lent us the two big tents ! which we ended up not using (except for Nad kecik + Zack and Nisha) cos we all 'slept' on the mat outside. kaaaay. i only got like what.. 1 hr of sleep ? 3am to 4am and then they woke me up for my Milo. which i was craving for actually HAHA.

though it was a hot, hot night (no freaking sea breeze), it was okay. it was nice just lazying around and talk.

most of the guys have changed. well.. except Farhan maybe. and oh ! me and Shefa were getting to a conclusion that Imran is like the ONLY guy who hasn't changed. AT ALL ! HAHAHAHA ! true true ?? i so agree. well except for the hair. he used to have 'jambuls' or fringe. long one lor ! HAHA ! gosh ! everytime i see his face.. i remember that time back in Secondary One in the science lab. HAHAHA ! i'm sure most of my BFFs would remember. him chewing on the back of his INK pen and got INK all over his tongue. hahahaha ! sucha joker. hee. dengs !

the food was FABULOUS la. did i mention that before ? hahaha. the chicken, the prawns and the STINGRAYS. LOVE IT ! hehe.

anyways.. we were just sitting around.. talking.. when i looked around me. Lut with her Amri.. Mus with her Hashmath.. Sharifah with her Ishaaq.. and even Nad with her Seconday School Sweetheart, Farhan. i couldn't help but think if he was here. with me. it'd be perfect. us just staring at the blue sea. and the blue sky. i missed him. more than he'd ever know. i msged him earlier that day. just wanting to know how he was doing.

and he said he missed me (right. playing with my damn feelings again. i wish he'd stop saying that. ever.) and that he was okay. of course he was okay. why wouldn't he be ? he's doing fine without me. he'd do fine without ANYONE. no one to bother whether he gets enough rest after or before work. nobody to even care if he goes to JB in the wee hours in the morning and have to go to work a few hours after. nobody. only he himself cares what he does now. i'm out of the picture. and i guess i'm staying out. since that's what he wants.

i just wish him the very best, from the bottom of my bruised up heart.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

you're taking up my precious brain space

why am i still not over you ?

when i was the one who's always been there for you ?
always asking how your day went.
or how are things with this and that.

i often let you know i miss you.
often making sure you know i love you.

always eager to see you.
hoping that you'd feel the same too.

and making time for you is wrong ?

i'd change if you wanted me to.
always on your side when people criticise you.

but yet i never get the attention i so deserve.
feeling neglected most of the time.

and yet i stayed with you.
hoping that time will change you.

i worked too hard to get where i was.

but i guess it wasn't enough.
i guess you prioritize ego and laziness, above all else.

and here i am blogging about you.

oh well..
you can't force someone to love you, right ?

i'd rather save all my loving for someone who would truly love me.

and like they say, "for every cloud, there's a silver lining."

Allah knows better. and i have all Faith in Him. :)

you're it !

tagged by Muhammad Hafeez Bin Sayuti Bin Hassan Bin Ali. :D

The Rules

* - Post 10 random things about yourself
* - Choose 5 people to tag and a reason you chose each person
* - Leave them each a comment directing them to your blog so they know they are it
* - You can’t tag the person who tagged you (you’ll have to make new friends)
* - As a courtesy to the person who tagged you, please let them know when you have posted so they can have the sheer delight and extra work load of reading your answers)

10 Random Things Bout Miss Norhafizah Binte Sorani Bin Sor Bin my Great Grandpapa. :)

1)
i think some of you already know that i don't like people spelling my name without the 'H' at the back ! please eh ! it irritates me like hell, and i have no idea why !

2)
i tend to stick to the usuals. i'm sucha Creature OF Habit with the capital C, O and H. hah. honestly, i'd buy things of the same design/kind. i know.. why then buy new ones ? eh, suka lar ! heh.

3)
i can never wear heels. and don't try to change me !

4)
i hit things when i walk. i'm a freaking klutz.

5)
i have a weird definition of cute/handsome. i mean, i think Elijah Wood's sooo adorable !! and i'm pretty sure i'm the ONLY one here who thinks so. LOL. i mean, you don't need to have the whole package (like say, Tom Welling or somebody). certain things make you attractive. like the smile. the eyes. and heck, i even look at the teeth or nose, ONLY ! LOL.

i think i've said these quite a number of times before:

fren: "eh, that guy cute sey."
me: "yah.. i like his teeth." or "yah. gigi dier lawa." (he got a nice set of teeth.)

and Fren will go like, =_="

6)
i don't like tauge or bittergout or whatever old school veggies that mothers cook nowadays but i LOVE BROCCOLLI !

7)
my biggest fear, since i was little Fizah, is getting eaten by sharks ! really ! i do get nightmares about them once in awhile. don't ask my why. i think it's cos of all those sharks movies like Jaws in the past. just imagine those jaws coming on to you. AHHHHHHHH ! eh SCARED la !

but okay, since i won't be eaten by sharks anytime in this life, my next, more realistic fear is ROACHES.

okay more like they EEEK me out ! my hair stand just by thinking about them ! lol. and to think i used them to terrorize my sister when i was a lot younger. hah.

and if you put me in a dark place, i'd be worried of those eeky lil things than ghosts. honest.

8)
i have many-many moles on me. HAHA. i think most people would not be surprised. just look at my FACE. haha !

9)
this might sound so weird but if i'm a guy, i'd go for small-sized girls. HAHAHAHA. really, i just find short, small-sized girls so cute and adorable. like i want to protect them or something. LOL.

10)
oh and i'm intimidated by muscular people.

so who am i to tag next ?

1) Muslihah

2) Xue Yin

3) Liyana

4) Zahidah

5) Nisha

because...... they blog. hah.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

you're without me now

hello, hello?
is anyone home?
hello, hello?
just pick up the phone.

i opened up my life to you,
i told you everything I knew,
you listened so closely to,
you listened so close when love was just a way out..
but you're going deaf now,
yeah you turned your head around,

hello, hello?
is anyone home?
hello, hello?
just pick up the phone,
you'll be sorry to hear,
i'm doing fine now,
sorry to hear,
you're without me now.

you blew up the world I built for us,
destroyed our secret universe,
threw out the trust I put in you,
making me feel like I'd been used,
and now I'm reminded,
that I was just blinded,

i'm doing fine,
you'll be alright,
maybe you'll think of me tonight,
you're doing fine,
and I'll be alright,
just give me time, yeah..

hello, hello?
is anyone home?
hello, hello?
just pick up the phone,
i don't wanna hear,
you're doing fine now,
don't wanna hear,
i'm without you now

i'm without you now,
i'm without you.

--
this song just hits the spot. bulls'eye, baby !

anyways, i am doing fine now.

like the J&J ad: no more tears !!! :D

Friday, June 06, 2008

i thought i was finally over him.

that is until Cik Umi called me just now and told me that he went to Jurong yesterday to take medicines and she was the one who dispensed to him. no, she didn't know about the break up til i told her.

anyways, as usual, he crapped about the medicines when she was issuing to him.

sighs.

i miss his lame-ness !!

and i'm reminiscing the first time he came to my then-workplace. i recognised him from school the minute i saw him. don't ask me how, cos i think i only saw him twice during my 3 poly years !

him with all the sweet gestures.

prata shop. chicken rice..........

SIGHS !!

i'm not missing you.

or am i ?

sighs. sighs. sighs.

Cik Umi's so cute. she was like, "aik ? happy jer. break up then happy ?"

lol.

aiyo.

of course la i was like, "couldn't sleep for days before okay ! cried like hell, already lor."

then she went like, "alalalaaaa don't cry. i told you not to put in 100% right ?! see la see la. put in 50% or 75% laa. 100% is to Allah s.w.t. kumbang bukan seekor tau."

:)

same like my mum. hehe.

i miss that makcik !! i was so happy when she called me. i don't usually answer unknown numbers but i'm glad i did this time !! :D

sighs.

oh gosh. see that ?

see how fast my mood changes ? i can be so high and happy for a second and down, down in the dumps the next.

it's worse than PMS.

BLEARGHHHHH !!

Sunday, June 01, 2008

who knew?

you took my hand,
you showed me how.
you promised me you'd be around.
uh huh.
that's right..

i took your words;
and i believed,
in everything.
you said to me.
yeah huh.
that's right..

if someone said three years from now,
you'd be long gone.
i'd stand up and punch them up!
cause they're all wrong!
i know better.
cause you said forever..
and ever..
who knew?

remember when we were such fools
and so convinced and just too cool

i wish i could touch you again.
i wish i could still call you friend.
i'd give anything..

when someone said count your blessings now,
for they're long gone.
i guess i just didn't know how.
i was all wrong.
they knew better.
still you said forever..
and ever..
who knew?

yeah yeah.
i'll keep you locked in my head.
until we meet again..
and i won't forget you my friend.
what happened?

if someone said three years from now,
you'd be long gone.
i'd stand up and punch them out!
cause they're all wrong!

that last kiss,
i'll cherish..
until we meet again.
and time makes it harder.
i wish i could remember.
but i keep,
your memory.
you visit me in my sleep.
my darling..
who knew?

--

yes, my friends and families.. they knew better.

my sister said she feels sorry for him for treating me like crap and letting such a good girl go. cos he's the one at loss. took me for granted.

everybody's been saying that i'm too good for him.

even he said that. he said he probably pressured himself too much, trying to change many things at once, to be good enough for me.

i should have listened to them. i knew what kind of person he is before we went out, yet i didn't hesitate to date him the minute he asked, like i did to guys before.

there was something about him that made me let down my guards, the ones i've been building up for oh so long.

i wish to think of him as a good person. i still do. say it, i'm stupid for still making up excuses for him to leave me.

but i am stupid. love makes you stupid.

"and if we're meant to be together, we'd be together. if not now, maybe later. if not later.. then never."

that's what i said to him. and he agreed.

"but i hope it's you", i added.

all the while, he was silent. just listening to what i had to say. i should've listen to what he had to say too, but i was afraid i'd wail instead of crying silently. pathetic.

and some of the things he said, hurt me. he didn't want to tell me at first. but i forced him to. that was my biggest mistake. now i cannot get over the fact that there's someone else. (put bad word here).

but yet he said, "i don't wanna lose you."

sighs.

men are all like that yea ?

they like you, they chase you. they got you, they leave you.

it's gonna take a long time for me to get over him cos to be honest, he's my first love. and at times i feel that i don't want to get over him. but i have to. i'm gonna miss so goddamn much !!

i'm so lost without him.

but.. life goes on, right ?

i have to be strong.

and insyaAllah, the next guy comes along will be worth it.