dreaming out loud. . .

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

danced all night, slept all day.
careless with my heart again.
fearless when it comes to playing games.

you don't cry, you don't care.
afraid to have a love affair.
is that your ghost or are you really there?

now i can't walk, i can't talk anymore,
since you walked out the door.
and now i'm stuck living out that night again.
i'm not falling apart.

wither on a sunny day.
time slows down; i wish you'd stay.
pass me by in crowded, dark hallways.

try my hardest not to scream..
i find my heart is growing weak.
so leave your reasons on the bathroom sink.

i heard you say you needed me now,
what's the problem i can't see.
you destroyed me, i won't fall apart again.
i'm not falling apart.

take what you want..
i will be just fine.
you will be better off alone at night.
waiting and falling,
constantly calling out your name.
will it ever change?

now i can't walk, i can't talk anymore.
since you walked out the door.
and now i'm stuck living out that night again.
i'm not falling apart.

--

do expect these kind of lyrics in the next few (or more) posts until me and him break up, and a few months after.

thank you.

Monday, May 26, 2008

karma

it's been a long, long time since everything was cool.
i should've seen it coming but i guess i'm not the only fool.

there's something growing on the outside,
too much missing on the inside.
should i waste my time and let you lead me on and on
and on and on?

waiting for the day when i'm complete.
without you i'm doing what i can to let you be.
making sure there's nothing showing on the outside.
something's dying on the inside.
i'm still broken but i'm free..
i'll see you on the flipside.

i've got a bruised up heart,
but i'm still hanging out.
i should take it easy but i'm still gonna get around.
there's something growing on the outside,
too much missing on the inside.
should i waste more time when everything is done
and done and overdone.

waiting for the day when i'm complete.
without you i'm doing what i can to let you be.
making sure there's nothing showing on the outside.
something's dying on the inside.
i'm still broken but i'm free..
i'll see you on the flipside.

--

they say what goes around, comes around ?

funny how these songs keep playing on the radio when you're feeling heartbroken. you psychic psychos, you.

i told him how i feel. on sms. and he asks for more time.

i really, really want to believe that he's trying very, very, very (put bad word here) hard. i really, really want to believe that he's not that (put another bad word here) heartless to give up on us after all that we've been through. (i know.. only 9mths what.. not 9yrs. eh hello, it's not the quantity. it's the QUALITY. i've put my heart and soul into this okay !! so shut up, already.)

and i wanna believe that there's some good in him.

but the question is.. do i know him well enough to trust that he's trying his best ?

i dunno. i dunno. i dunno !

gosh. i'm one confused woman.

OH WHY, OH WHY DO FOOLS (like me) FALL IN LOVE !

Saturday, May 24, 2008

ell-oh-vee-ee

i know life would be so mundane and oh so unpredictable.. but sometimes i wish there's an instruction manual for falling in love !

i thought i couldn't cry no more. i was wrong.

Friday, May 23, 2008

that's what you get !

no sir, well i don't wanna be the blame,
not anymore.
it's your turn, so take a seat.
we're settling the final score.
and why do we like to hurt, so much?

i can't decide.
you have made it harder just to go on.
and why, all the possibilities where i was wrong.

that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa..
that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa..
i drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
and that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa..

i wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
cos i burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
i still try holding onto silly things, i never learn.
oh why, all the possibilities i'm sure you've heard.

hey, make your way to me.
and i'll always be just so inviting.
if i ever start to think straight,
this heart will start a riot in me.
let's start, start, hey!

why do we like to hurt so much?
oh why do we like to hurt so much?

that's what you get when you let your heart win!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

the end of the tunnel

after that devastating, devastating talk yesterday, this song used to be my favourite song. USED to.

when you go,
would you even turn to say,
i don't love you,
like i did,
yesterday.

hate. hate. hate.

i thought love's supposed to bloom with time.

i guess that's only happening to me.

a one-sided affair.

and all those bullshit about me being 'too good'.

it's crap. if you wanna be together, then BE together.

if you don't, then it's done.

i don't even know that being together for some time reduces the love you have for the other. isn't that like giving up ? aren't relationships about loving each other and MAINTAINING the love by constantly working towards it and NOT working towards a specific time frame until this 'CURSE' of all-my-relationships-usually-end-around-this-time comes true ?

i don't know. i'm crying. again. (what's new, you emotional basketcase.)

Mus told me yesterday that if you cry for someone, you love that someone. alot. and hey, am i denying that ? i the hell don't.

love is supposed to last. it is.

eventhough it won't be rainbows and butterflies like that show, the Cinderella Story. or that show, Enchanted. or whatever romantic show on TV or the big-screen that i can't think of right now cos im busy being angry and sad and arggghhh !

but it is supposed to last. it is. if both of them wants it to last. if both party work to make it last.

but what happens in my case ?

everyday i love you less and less.

i hate that song too. USED to be my favourite song. now i know how hurtful the lyrics sound behind that cheerful beat.

sighs. it's not the end. yet. i hope it's not cos he's giving it another try. if the feeling's not there still, i might as well save a 1000litre of my tears and move on with me life.

so the first song i heard on the radio this morning was:

if you didn't notice,
you mean everything,
quickly i'm learning;
io love again.
all i know is,
i'll be okay.

thought i couldn't live without you,
it's going to hurt when it heals too
it'll all get better in time.
even though i really love you,
i'm gonna smile because i deserve to.
it will get better in time.

and..

i will survive,
yea.
as long as i know how to love,
i know i'll be alive.
i've got all my life to live.
i got all my love to give.
i will survive..
i will survive.
yea, yeaaaa !

and the song inside my head (don't be surprised):

stronger than yesterday
now it’s nothing but my way
my loneliness ain’t killing me no more
i am stronger !

and i will be strong. insyaAllah.

with the help of my friends and most importantly, Allah.

thanks Mus, Lut.
thanks Khairi, Din.

thanks for everything. :)

Friday, May 16, 2008

sweetest dreams

he's sucha Sleepyhead. :)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

homecoming

for those wondering, i'm okay. feeling much, much better now.

had the talk, we agreed to work on it. i guess we lack of communication, that's all. i really hope this is it, you know. like, no more of the 'i like this guy, i wonder if he likes me back or even know i exist' poo. i've done that far too many times, and usually these people realise that i'm there after i try so hard and moved on. or they come back once in awhile when they're lonely (similar thing happening to a few of my BFFs)

i've finally found someone who knows i exist, who knows that i'd give my all and who knows that no matter what, i'll stand by him. and who loves me, i have no doubts about that.

the distance, work and lack of time for each other.. and hence, the lack of attention. the main reasons for our fall out. but hey, we pledge to work on that. and i think he knows he should be more sensitive with his words and tone of voice cos honestly, sometimes it hurts.

anywayyyy, thanks to Mus & Lut (the always-there buddies), Shefa & Zack (counsellor no. 1 & 2, respectively), Sulala (for asking how i am *smiles*), Xue Yin, Jeannie, Siva & Feez (for the advice)

love you all alot-alot la. *kenyet-kenyet right eye*

hope you guys are doing a-okay too. :)

okay, so i haven't been watching TV for what seems like AGES. ever since i started working, i have less and less time for my 3rd love (TV, of course. or isit 4th love ? wait.. hmmm shopping, Elijah Wood, Wentworth Miller, Suffiyan..... the list goes on la. lol. :p)

yea so i didn't even know that CH5 airs Prison Break on Mondays now at 10pm (thank you, Jeannie for telling me !) i was ecstatic la ! oi, PRISON BREAK HOKAY. Wentworth HOKAY ! ("he's GAY HOKAY" ! "AHH ! SHUTTTTUP YOU !")

and and and.......... i watched till the 8th episode already ! (aku tau kau dabes tgk, Din. so DIAM ! :p)

and warghhhhh, i hate the fact that he has to suffer all those emotional and mental stress ! bahhhhh. look at his cute, cute face ! how can anyone bear to see him so saaaaad ?! heh.

okaaay, as you can see i'm back to my old self.

and it's disheartening to know that people actually think i'd watch shows/movies because of the guys. my goodness. i'm not THAT shallow hokay. i mean, whoever thinks Robert Downey Jr is hot, raise your hands. err, okay you're on your own cos he's not hot at all ! i watch Iron Man cos macam best kay. and mmg best. mcm nak tgk lagi ! jahat korang ! hmmph.

but i wanna watch Made of Honour. got Mr Patrick McDreamy Demsey. i likeeeee. :D okaaaaaaaay, next !

oh ! i will finally get to experience my first-ever Off-day tomorrow ! wooohooo ! going to visit the Jurong people and meeting him. :)

sweet Thursday, here i comeeeeeeeeeeee~

P.S GO WATCH PRISON BREAK ONLINE. :D sweet dreams, angels !

Saturday, May 10, 2008

will it be better ?

I never knew perfection 'till
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You're scared and that you think that I'm insane

The city looks so nice from here
Pity I can't see it clearly
While you're standing there, it disappears
It disappears

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say

Maybe we're better off this way?
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break

So you're sitting all alone
You're fragile and you're cold, but that's alright
Life these days is getting rough
They've knocked you down and beat you up
But it's just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It's not right, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?
I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, not okay
To say the words that you say
Maybe we're better off this way?

I'm not fine, I'm in pain
It's harder everyday
Maybe we're better off this way?
It's better that we break, baby

- Better That We Break by Maroon 5.

----

stress. stress. stress.

breathe. breathe. breathe.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

...

i've never cried so much over a guy before. that's pathetic.

that's superkelifragilistik-s-p-l-edoshesly pathetic.

thanks my dearest Mus for being there for me. and letting me cry my heart out. and taking ugly pictures of me crying.......... thanks ah eh ! haha.

i feel much better now. although there's still no text or calls from him. Bintan got reception or not ? BLEARGH.

why can't men just say sorry ?

idiots.

i'm having my monthly mood-swings. it's even worse this time that i wanted to scold the PSP-playing kid infront of me for not moving when the bus already arrived. want to play game or want to take bus, ah bloody hell ?

bleargghhhh.

imma cry myself to sleep now.

night, angels.